Have you got the H Factor?

I'm really pleased to tell you about the launch of The H Factor, the first ever awareness campaign from The Humanist Society of Scotland.

As a celebrant, whenever I meet people to discuss a ceremony and ask them why they've chosen a Humanist one, they always begin by saying. "Well, we're not religious but..." Then they go on to say how they stumbled across the HSS web site, looked at what Humanists believe and thought, "Oh - We had no idea that we've been Secret Humanists for years!"

All the research suggests that the majority of people in the UK are secular. Although we don't expect everyone with Humanist leanings to be card carrying Humanists we feel it is very important to raise awareness of a set of ethics guided by reason, compassion and equality.

And that's what the H Factor campaign is about. You can see my contribution here, where I'm talking about a subject I care very much about, same sex marriage:



From September 25th, a film crew will tour Scotland for five days in a search to find the stars of the first ever Humanist TV commercial. Auditions will be held in Edinburgh, Dundee, Aberdeen, Inverness and Glasgow, where members of the public will be asked to answer questions on major moral issues. Anyone can sign up at The H Factor web site, and individuals who appear in the final advert will receive a £500 appearance fee.

So what are you waiting for? Check it out, sign up, and who knows? You could be a star of the future!

Wedding at The Hub

I'm delighted to share these lovely pictures with you of Jen and Mooj's wedding at The Hub, a wonderful venue at the top of Edinburgh's Royal Mile. This is a couple who have lots of fun together and these photos really reflect the touching intimacy between them. Jen is a well-known jewellery designer and made her stunning necklace and tiara herself.

Weddings conducted in the gallery of The Hub have to be done 'in the round', which I enjoy because it feels very friendly and I make a big effort to address the guests on either side of me. I also enjoyed this wedding very much because Jenny's brother is my favourite wedding musician, Pipe Major Roderick Deans, or Roddy the Piper as he's happy to be known. Roddy played a lovely and specially composed piece of music for his beautiful sister's entrance.

Isn't the photo above especially lovely? Here's what Jenny and Mooj thought about their wedding:

“So many of our guests have said how much they enjoyed the ceremony and how memorable it was, which has added even more to our enjoyment of the day. Being able to really put our personality into the ceremony, especially our vows, was brilliant. I don't think either of us really anticipated just how much we would enjoy the whole experience. Thanks once again for playing such a big part in our day and making it so special and memorable.”

Catch me when I fall

This is a very romantic story of a wedding dress currently displayed in The Smithsonian:

"In August 1944, Hensinger, a B-29 pilot, and his crew were returning from a bombing raid over Yowata, Japan, when their engine caught fire. The crew was forced to bail out. Suffering from only minor injuries, Hensinger used the parachute as a pillow and blanket as he waited to be rescued. He kept the parachute that had saved his life. He later proposed to his girlfriend Ruth in 1947, offering her the material for a gown.

Ruth wanted to create a dress similar to one in the movie Gone with the Wind. She hired a local seamstress, Hilda Buck, to make the bodice and veil. Ruth made the skirt herself; she pulled up the strings on the parachute so that the dress would be shorter in the front and have a train in the back. The couple married July 19, 1947. The dress was also worn by the their daughter and by their son’s bride before being gifted to the Smithsonian."

It's especially touching when a person's personal experience is brought into their wedding. When a couple are planning their ceremony with me I encourage them to draw on their experience together as we express their hopes for the future. Some couples have faced tough times together so know they can rise to the mark when life takes a turn for the worst. Almost all couples live together for a substantial period of time before they marry so they've stood by each other despite seeing their partner at their least glamorous. Many couples have children before they marry so they've experienced romantic love and a whole new kind of love with each other.

Then there are other couples who have maybe not been together for long, had no testing situations with which to prove themselves, yet they still have experience to draw upon: courage to enter into a marriage without a long test period and a willingness to trust and nurture a growing love.

There's no getting out of the fact that we're all going to have difficult times in our lives but it's lovely to remind yourselves on your wedding day of how your past can contribute to the support you'll give one another in the future.

You are the trip I did not take...

I stumbled on this poem today by Anne Campbell. Originally written for her children it would make a beautiful addition to a wedding or naming ceremony. Isn't it lovely that when the right person comes along those unfulfilled dreams don't seem to matter quite so much?

(via mybluecanoe)

A Modern Marriage?

I don't want you thinking I'm completely down on the royal wedding, as I'm all for some pretty frocks and pomp and ceremony as much as the next person. However I did get very fed up with the sycophantic media proclaiming this to be a 'modern marriage'. This conclusion was reached because Kate Middleton wasn't going to 'obey' her future husband.

I still meet wedding couples who make it very clear they don't want to 'obey' one another. I always tell them that I'd never allow such a promise in a humanist wedding. Even the Church of England, purveyor of modern matrimony, did away with this eons ago.

Once aspect of the royal wedding that's been completely overlooked is the giving away of the bride. I'm not referring to the bride's father walking her down the aisle (99% of brides still do this and they and their dads like the experience). I'm talking about the part of the ceremony where Rowan Williams asks, "Who giveth this woman to be given to this man?" Kate's dad then says "I do", for she clearly belongs to him. He then gives his daughter's left hand to the Archbishop of Canterbury who gives it to Prince William. This is the point at which I asked myself how any marriage can be deemed modern when a woman is so publicly treated like chattel?

I can assure you now that this would never happen in a humanist wedding! Modern marriage is a partnership of two equals and most couples wouldn't have it any other way.

Married with Children

I confess I'm not usually interested in what Ed Milliband has to say. However when I read this comment about his forthcoming marriage it really made me think: "At the end of the day we're in our 40s and we've got two kids, so it wasn't a case of me suddenly popping the question." Not exactly the most romantic of sentiments, Ed!

I think that come the wedding day he might be a little surprised. It's true that in our notions of the typical fairytale wedding Cinderella and Prince Charming rarely have a toddler and a one year old in tow. However, some of the most meaningful and emotional weddings I've conducted have been for couples who already have children. The wedding is often extra special because the couple have a living, breathing symbol of the love between them at the ceremony itself. They've also faced some challenging times together: sleepless nights, worry and the joys of childbirth can make a couple closer than they've ever been before. By the time couples with children get married they've pretty much seen each other at their least glamorous and are approaching their union with a truly realistic view of who they are marrying. I think this makes for a more romantic wedding where the couple can promise to accept each other for better or for worse with absolute confidence!

Your wedding doesn't just have to be about the present and the future, it can be a celebration of the sucess your relationship has been so far. When I'm marrying couples with children I'm often careful to help them make the ceremony about them as a pair. Although we celebrate and involve the children, it should be the couple's ceremony as well as a family occasion.

I've married one couple who felt strongly that the wedding should be about them as romantic partners not 'mum and dad'. They chose to marry with five friends in attendance but not their children who were with their grandparents for the day. This wouldn't be everyone's choice but I thought it worked well for this couple and was definitely the right decision for them.

One advantage that couples who have lived together for a long time or who have a very established relationship with children find is that their weddings are even more enjoyable than they had hoped for. In general, like Ed Milliband, they tend to have more realistic expectations of a wedding but are frequently surprised by how very special their day will be. I reckon the wedding will inject a bit of spark into the future Mr and Mrs Milliband's relationship . . .

Promises, Promises... Humanist Wedding Vows

I've noticed on my stats that most people visiting this blog are searching for Humanist wedding vows. I can completely understand this because when I meet couples the vows are often the bit they either feel very enthusiastic about or completely dread! I've already written a couple of posts — part 1 and part 2 — of how to construct your vows but that's only one way to approach them. I can't speak for all Humanist celebrants but here's my views on vows.

There is one rule: you must promise to accept one another to be husband and wife, after which the celebrant must declare you to be husband and wife which is the point you are actually married. I know! The power, eh? No, I can't go up to people and marry them in the street for a laugh. In the context of the ceremony however, it's me who says the magic words!

My main concern with the vows of the couples I marry is that they're sincere and the people saying them feel comfortable with them. I'm happy for my couples to use traditional vows: in sickness and in health, and so on. I completely draw the line at promising to 'obey' each other. That said, I've never met a couple who wanted this.

Interestingly, very few people bother to promise fidelity these days. Not, I imagine because most couples are secret swingers in their spare time but because it's pretty much a given and people don't feel the need to comment on the intricacies of their sex life in front of all their friends and family any more.

Some people like to add a bit of humour to their vows: "I promise to let you have the remote control every Tuesday", that kind of thing. It can break the ice and I'm all for vows that reflect your personalities if you are jovial sorts. When couples draw a balance between having both serious and funny vows this can work very well, as you want to demonstrate you're taking your promises seriously.

If you are the shy type you don't even have to say your personal vows but can simply answer questions with an 'I do'. I often tell nervous couples that all they have to do to be married is turn up and answer every question I ask them in the affirmative! Getting hitched really is that simple.

Once again, I can't speak for other celebrants on this but I am quite happy for couples to find vows from books, samples I give them or wherever they stumble across something they think they'd like to say. As long as you feel comfortable with what you're saying for your vows, truly mean them and can live up to them then they're the perfect vows for you!

Here's a couple of my favourite vows from a selection of samples I give all my couples:

1 I, Sophie, promise to love and cherish you, David, for the rest of your life.

I will try to bring laughter to your life and make you happy.

I will consider you in the decisions I have to make, and value your opinions.

Today I vow to be your wife for the rest of our lives.

1 Sophie, I join my life with yours today

Without hesitation and with an open and trusting heart.

Whatever we may encounter,

Let us encounter it together.

Take this ring and with it my commitment

To be the best Husband I can be.