Singing in a humanist ceremony

Dean Martin, he knows a good singalong song!

When I meet wedding couples there's one element of the wedding they usually have very strong feelings about: singing! Many are adamant that the thought of communal signing is cringeworthy, whereas others feel that a sing song will add to the joy of the ceremony and give everyone a way to contribute.

My own personal opinion is that I like singing but only when it's done in an (almost) foolproof way. So if you like the idea of communal singing at your ceremony here are some things to consider.

Is the song easy to sing? You'd be amazed at how many popular songs aren't designed for communal singing. Hymns are composed for this purpose but pop music rarely is. One song that many couples ask about which is a no-no is Here Comes The Sun by The Beatles, it just doesn't work as the melody of the verse is too weird. If you can imagine singing a song on a football terrace chances are it will work for your wedding. You're looking for an easy melody and steady rhythm.

Is it a song everyone knows? You can't pick anything obscure and a song for everyone to sing has to cross the generational divide too.

Are your guests enthusiastic types? You have to be up for a bit of fun for a singalong and there has to be plenty of you to make a good sound. Nine out of ten times I usually make sure the guests are standing to sing. I never suggest they just sing along 'if they feel like it'.

What are you going to sing along to? Most people play the original song nice and loud and we sing to that but if someone has a guitar or plays the piano that works well providing they lead the singing too.

One effective compromise is that a singer or little choir sing the verse and everyone else joins in on the chorus. This happened at a recent wedding where a group of the bride and groom's friends sang Happy Together by The Turtles and we all joined in for the easy parts. It was even done with no backing music at all.

At another ceremony all the guests had come up from England where legal Humanist weddings aren't legal yet, so as the marriage was in an old ruined chapel they were all expecting something churchy. So as not to spoil the surprise the guests were handed sealed envelopes with song lyrics in them on arrival and I instructed them to open them just before we fired up the music to sing It Must Be Love by Madness. It worked really well and the guests couldn't have been happier.

Here are some songs that have been fun to sing:

Madness, It Must Be Love
The Turtles, Happy Together
Dean Martin, That's Amore
The Proclaimers, 500 Miles
John Denver, Annie's Song
The Beatles, When I'm 64

Wedding at The Vu in Bathgate

I've been really keen to write a blog post about The Vu in Bathgate, as I often conduct ceremonies there. The Vu is pretty much a purpose-built wedding venue. It has an awesome setting and is a great location for couples from across the central belt. Many venues like this provide a complete wedding package but I find that couples use their imaginations to make their celebrations really beautiful and personal. As you can see, Amanda and Drew got married on a lovely bright day. Their wedding was so pretty and they looked absolutely gorgeous!

I was incredibly envious of the glamorous bridesmaids, their dresses were to die for! Amanda and Drew had many wonderful friends supporting them on the day and it was lovely to express in the ceremony what these special people mean to them.

I love the snapshots couples send me of when they're signing their paperwork. As they've just said their vows and I've pronounced them to be husband and wife their faces always have a look of joy and relief. I, however, look a little bit 'Here's Johnny!' in this picture!

Drew and Amanda very kindly sent me these lovely words about their ceremony:

"Amanda and I would sincerely like to thank you for your ceremony on our Wedding Day. You were fantastic from start to finish. From our initial meeting you put us at ease and the day itself went better than we'd ever hoped.  Family and friends were also full of praise for your ceremony.  It was so personal and exactly as we'd wanted!"

A partnership of equals

You might expect me to be crying into my cornflakes upon seeing this article in the Daily Mail this morning, but far from it. As a mother of a daughter I'm always interested in changing attitudes towards women and what we consider to be positive feminine attributes. A survey of the Girl Guiding association found that whilst girls still value marriage only one in five thought it was the definition of success whereas three in five thought success was about being confident and independent. This is great news for a Humanist celebrant!

I have never in my seven years of conducting legal Humanist weddings heard a couple tell me they feel they 'ought' to get married. Humanists see marriage as a positive choice and a partnership of equals. We also respect that couples are together because they love one another but they can have quite different reasons for choosing to get married.

A partnership of two confident and independent people is an admirable one in my book. The men I admire are the ones who value strong women and respect their opinions and personalities. I seem to be marrying a lot of couples in their mid to late 20s who have been together for ten years or more. They know they don't have to get married and I'm always keen to stress in the ceremony that the wedding isn't just about the future but also a celebration of what's already been a very successful relationship.

If women no longer feel marriage is the be all and end all then there might be fewer weddings but it might also mean that if they do get married they'll choose a ceremony that reflects their choice and their own views on marriage. It will also mean that the majority of women will marry when they feel fulfilled by themselves as well as their partner and that's great news for men too!

A short but sweet wedding reading

Some couples I marry seem doubtful when I talk about the importance of readings in their ceremony. Contributions from voices other than my own are (almost) essential, as they break up what I'm saying and add colour to the ceremony. I think many people associate wedding readings with bible readings they've had to endure, but there are all sorts of readings included in Humanist weddings and they don't have to be long-winded. Here's a sweet little reading that says all you need to know about a happy relationship.

Here is Lang Leav's blog if you'd like to see more.

Wedding reading - If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.

Now and again someone comes up with a wedding reading that's really unusual but strangely moving and appropriate. At a recent ceremony the couple's friend surprised them with this passage from Kurt Vonnegut's A Man Without A Country:

"And now I want to tell you about my late Uncle Alex. He was my father’s kid brother, a childless graduate of Harvard who was an honest life insurance salesman in Indianapolis. He was well-read and wise. And his principal complaint about other human beings was that they so seldom noticed it when they were happy. So when we were drinking lemonade under an apple tree in the summer, say, and talking lazily about this and that, almost buzzing like honeybees, Uncle Alex would suddenly interrupt the agreeable blather to exclaim, If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is. So I do the same now, and so do my kids and grandkids. And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is."

I can't think of better words of encouragement for married life. Often when we're putting the ceremony together couples like to mention that they're determined to help each other through life's struggles. But what about the happy times? I think it's just as important to promise not to take these for granted.

Happy news!

I was so thrilled when it was announced last week that the Same Sex Marriage Bill will be introduced in Scotland. The reality of this means Humanist Celebrants and religious officiants who want to participate could be marrying gay and lesbian couples by 2015. Although the Scottish Government intend to include an opt out clause for religions who don't want to conduct marriages for everybody there is little 'live and let live' coming from the religious right.

This article from The Guardian goes a long way to explain the results of the consultation and demonstrates how poorly received the Catholic Church's campaign was amongst their own flock.

The infographic below shows what will really happen when gay people get married.

When a man loves a man and a woman loves a woman...

If you've been supporting the Equal Marriage campaign you'll have shared my disappointment this week. It was widely expected that the Scottish Government would announce its intention to introduce the Same Sex Marriage Bill this week. The most exciting part of this was that we'd finally know the timescale of their plans, or in layman's terms, when the first gay marriage in Scotland might happen.

There's been much negative and positive speculation as to why we are facing a delay in the Scottish Government's decision but many hope that they're simply trying to figure out a way for Humanists and  some religious groups to be able to conduct same sex marriages whilst allowing some churches to opt out. This article in The Scotsman pretty much sums up how I feel.

You've maybe come to my blog for some inspiration for your wedding ceremony or to find out more about Humanist weddings. I would really appreciate if you could take a moment to support the Equal marriage campaign. You can 'like' them on facebook, follow them on twitter and sign their petition.

Yes, same sex couples can have Civil Partnerships but these don't take into account their beliefs and allow them the same freedom of expression that your wedding can offer you. This isn't just a campaign to support same sex couples who are Humanists, it's about Christian, Jewish and couples of many other belief systems and denominations too.

If you want to know the essence of what this campaign is about please watch this video I posted some time ago, which was made for the Irish campaign.

For my own part I don't think opening up marriage to same sex couples makes marriage less meaningful - it makes its meaning complete.